Jessica’s Blog-O-Matic

“You say you wake up crying, and you don’t know why.”
April 26, 2009, 8:05 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

I had a dream last night that included so much crap about my life in the past few years.  I dreamed about going home and my parents being together again, I saw my college friends as if we hung out every day, and my bother and I were just kids again.  It was like some family reunion and everything was happy.  We were all at my dad’s : mom, her parents, my brother and I, my other grandparents, cousins- all in the house my mom used to live in and that I grew up in after fourth grade.  In the dream, the flooring was this weired, kid-proof plastic that my dad had supposedly installed a long time ago.  But then all of a sudden my dad started tearing up the plastic flooring because the kids weren’t there anymore.  And he was talking about how my mom was going back to her house and the reunion was over and it was all over.  Nothing was the same, it was all broken again, and I started crying in my dream and then I woke up crying.

I thought that I had dealt  with my parents’ divorce a long time ago but I’m not sure if it’s something that easily goes away.  I haven’t felt much in the last few months because of the morphine I’m taking every day for my back pain- it numbs everything else, including emotions.  But I forgot to take one yesterday and I guess this is the result.  A friend warned me that this would happen- when you come off of this shit, all those feeling and emotions and pain you had been numbing before will come rushing back in full force.  And I haven’t fucking cried like this in forever.  I mean, balling my eyes out, snot everywhere.  I’m still crying right now as I write this, but I have to get it out.

The thing about the divorce is that I wasn’t there to see it, to stop it, to deal with it.  I was at college, and I was already screwing up my life with a stupid boyfriend and partying.  I can’t even remember the conversation, but I think my mom told me on the phone that she had bought her own house and was moving into it soon.  It’s so blurry to think about, I’m pretty sure I blocked that memory out or drowned it.  I just wasn’t there and that it so frustrating to me.  Ever since that moment I still haven’t been there.  I’ve been in Austin or L.A, or at Cole’s apartment in Dallas…. not able to come home and stay for a while.  The longest I’ve stayed since I last lived with either my mom or my dad was probably a week, this past Christmas.  Since 2006 it’s been weekends, one night at home, or maybe 3 days.  God, I haven’t been there, I’ve always tried to get away, and now I’m realizing that.  Now I want to go home because I miss it so fucking much.

The thing that really broke my heart open this morning was when I thought about my brother.  He WAS there when my parents broke up.  He was still in high school.  How did he deal with it?  What was it like to see them falling apart?  Was he there the day she moved out?  Did he see the furniture truck and run to his room to cry?  Did he stop playing his guitar for one second to notice that she was leaving and not coming back?  I just don’t know these things.  I want to.  I need to know them, I think.

I went off to my first year of college with an intact family.  I came home and everything was broken.  So ever since I’ve tried to avoid being at home.  Is that why I’m in L.A.?  Is that why I’m pursuing a dream that seems more and more unattainable each day?  Why do I want something so different than what my parents had, a career that nobody in Texas has?  Why did I feel so alienated from my hometown friends… because I had gone to rehab or because my family had become a broken family?  There really aren’t alot of those in the place I grew up. All of my high school friends’ parents are still together.  Maybe I’m ashamed.

In Austin I used to think I was happy because I never woke up sad.  I used to think that about L.A. too.  Why did I wake up sad in my dad’s house so much?  What was it about Dallas that made me unhappy?  It’s not a place, I know that.  It’s inside of me.  It’s me that makes me unhappy.  Someday I’ll wake up crying in Tahiti.  I just can’t get far enough away from me.


1 Comment so far
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huuuuuugs :\

Comment by alyssa

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